and I don’t know what to do or how to respond. What’s surprising to me is that he emailed me on an account that we have never emailed on. Ever. Only this week I began going out and attempting – a very very feeble attempt – at dating. But his image haunts me. Even as I talked to others I would walk around the roads here and think how I wish he was here. I want to go to Vermont again with him. I want us to stroll the creaks and swim the waterfalls and waterhalls.
Today, coming home, I passed a gorgeous winding road with so many magnificent trees and little houses tucked inside. I looked at it almost breathless and I was thinking: ah.. he would love this!
And last week I learnt that Tobie Keith, his favorite singer, is coming to the Tweeter Center in August. I would have gone with him if we were still together. I was thinking of going on my own – perhaps to pretend that I am still with him. But I caught myself before I bought the ticket. Why would I want to do that to myself? And every time I change the channel, the Red Socks are playing and I keep thinking: “he is watching this now, I am sure.”
Why can’t I stop loving him, knowing how bad he is for me?
I do not understand his email. I cannot read much into it because I don’t want to. But here it is:
Thought I’d write to let ya know I’m alive. Doing fairly well…..not drinkin’…..God seems to have removed that from my to-do list. I really, really hope you are doin’ well!
In looking back, I only have wonderful memories of our times together. That is a ‘one of a kind’ when it comes to ‘looking back’. You were a Blessing, and I truly hope that you found some salvaged positive memories. If not, I’m very sorry.
Thank you for being that ‘bright light’.
My initial reaction was to write back and tell him how much I love him. Then came a reaction of telling him how much I hate him. Then I decided not to write right now because both feelings are wrong and both actions are wrong. I need to think about this first.
