I am so down  today. I know where it’s coming from but the pressure is immense and am not sure how to handle it. I cannot say ‘I can’t handle it’ but what I can definitely say is I don’t know what to do about it.

Perhaps this is one of the worst weeks in my life in terms of work. I have never had a bad week at work but this has surpassed anything I have known to-date. I so kept out of trouble for the past 10 years, and now trouble came and found me. It is a very strange feeling. I had always said I would never let work interfere with my life; never let it bring me down in any way. It is just, after all, very trivial and pathetic to do that. But this came looking for me.. deliberately and I don’t know how to handle it.

Should I change my philosophy? my outlook on life? what should I change?

Art thou pale for weariness
Of climbing heaven and gazing on the earth,
Wandering companionless
Among the stars that have a different birth,
And ever changing, like a joyless eye
That finds no object worth its constancy?

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

“Fear no more the heat o’ the sun, nor the furious winter’s rages;
Thou, thy worldly task hast done,
home art gone, and ta’en thy wages:
Golden lads and girls all must, as chimney-sweepers, come to dust.
Fear no more the frown o’ the great;
Thou art past the tyrant’s stroke:
Care no more to clothe and eat;
to thee, the reed is as the oak.
The scepter, learning, physic,
must all follow this,
and come to dust.

Fear no more the lightning-flash, nor the all-dreaded thunder-stone;
fear not slander,
censure rash;
Thou hast finish’d,
joy and moan:
All lovers young, all lovers must
consign to thee, and come to dust.
No exorciser harm thee!
Nor no witchcraft charm thee!
Ghost unlaid forbear thee!
Nothing ill come near thee!
Quiet consummation have;
and renowned it be thy grave.”

Only thoughts of you remain
In my heart where they have lain,
Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining,
A hid sweetness, in my brain.
Others leave me: all things leave me: You remain.
- Arthur Symons

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don’t need ‘em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you’ll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
‘Cause we have nothin’ left to weather
In fact I feel a whole lot better
But you’ll think of me, you’ll think of me

Keith Urban:

By Pablo Neruda:

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

I emailed him back. I asked him if he ever really loved me. .. as in being IN love with me. I do not want to know the answer.

did you ever
love me?
don’t answer
please:
for yes is but
deception..
and no is but
pure cruelty.

and I don’t know what to do or how to respond. What’s surprising to me is that he emailed me on an account that we have never emailed on. Ever. Only this week I began going out and attempting – a very very feeble attempt – at dating. But his image haunts me. Even as I talked to others I would walk around the roads here and think how I wish he was here. I want to go to Vermont again with him. I want us to stroll the creaks and swim the waterfalls and waterhalls.

Today, coming home, I passed a gorgeous winding road with so many magnificent trees and little houses tucked inside. I looked at it almost breathless and I was thinking: ah.. he would love this!

And last week I learnt that Tobie Keith, his favorite singer, is coming to the Tweeter Center in August. I would have gone with him if we were still together. I was thinking of going on my own – perhaps to pretend that I am still with him. But I caught myself before I bought the ticket. Why would I want to do that to myself? And every time I change the channel, the Red Socks are playing and I keep thinking: “he is watching this now, I am sure.”

Why can’t I stop loving him, knowing how bad he is for me?

I do not understand his email. I cannot read much into it because I don’t want to. But here it is:

Thought I’d write to let ya know I’m alive.  Doing fairly well…..not drinkin’…..God seems to have removed that from my to-do list.  I really, really hope you are doin’ well!
In looking back, I only have wonderful memories of our times together.  That is a ‘one of a kind’ when it comes to ‘looking back’.  You were a Blessing, and I truly hope that you found some salvaged positive memories.  If not, I’m very sorry.
Thank you for being that ‘bright light’.

My initial reaction was to write back and tell him how much I love him. Then came a reaction of telling him how much I hate him. Then I decided not to write right now because both feelings are wrong and both actions are wrong. I need to think about this first.

wow! did i need this to wake me up from my stupor? I have totally no pain – no memory of my guy. He doesn’t matter. He is nothing to me now. My son’s pain is so much more important right now. When I weaken and think that I ‘long for my boyfriend’.. I suddenly feel that pang – that punch in my stomach that my son is feeling right now about his own loss and I immediately think: “Nope.. that is how he should deal with it: get over it and move on – quickly!” No one is worth pining over for long.

Yes.. no one is worth that – especially when they choose to dump you.

It takes a bit of time to get over it.. but it ends and you do get over it.

My son especially is so very young – so very very young. So is she. They have many more heartbreaks to come. But I also know so well that she will never find someone who will love her and be there for her like him.

I am certain also that there is someone great out there for him because he is worth it – someone who will just appreciate the love he gives and the devotion he feels.

I want nothing more than to make this pain pass away from him. And I will also close this blog. There is no point to it now.

Goodbye all. Thank you for your support.

so she left him. Cried… etc etc… and left him. he is devastated. His pain put mine into perspective. His pain is far more important to me than any pain I have. She gave no reason… just that she does not feel towards him as she did before. He, like me, is constant, loyal, loving, giving.

I wish he was a bastard who took advantage of people and dumped them like garbage. I wish he was not like me or his father. Are we idiots????

when will i stop missing you? when will that ache in my heart just vanish? when will i wake up in the morning wanting to wake up and wanting to smile from my heart again? when will i be able to reclaim my heart from you? when will i stop missing you so much?

how could i continue loving you when i know you will never come back to me? what am i doing? why am i being an idiot?

but…

when oh when will this pain go away?