i want to dance the night away

who will dance with me? i want to dance the night away… i want to be in a state of oblivion to everything and anything.

i cannot go to a bar or to a dance place.. how stupid that would look.

i want to touch no man and no man to touch me.

but i want to dance… and dance the night away. close my eyes and pretend i am with you.

come dace with me my love. my hands are stretched and my eyes closed… because you my love are in my arms right now. i, my love, will take care of you and protect you… and hold you to my heart forever.

no.. i do not want to open my eyes because you will not be there. i know you will not be there.

the man infront of me

Today, my love, I sat in a restaurant with a man who was doing his best to get my attention, trying to date me. He was talking and talking and asking questions and looking me in th eyes and trying to touch my hand or hold my arm… He spoke of how much he wanted to make love to me.

I smiled ever so gently. But I was not seeing the man sitting across from me. I was only thinking “who is this stranger who is bothering me and why aren’t you sitting there talking to me? Where did you go, my love?” Where are you my beloved?

I was smiling thinking of your curious smile: every time we went to a new place you were like a child suddenly finding all those cookies. I remember when you saw Fenway.. that childhood dream of yours.. you stood there in awe at all the lights.. we took pictures of you with the Fenway sign behind you. We laughed our hearts into oblivion. The world was there for us to grab. Anywhere we wanted to go.. we just got in the car and left.. Our journeys took us to the most beautiful places.. to open meadows and hidden creaks in gorgeous woods.

The man sitting across from me asked me if we could meet again. I shook his hand and said no and walked away into the distance. When I went home there was an email from him.. he ended it with:

You have beautiful eyes and a Reaall womans’ figure.
The work you do is selfless, courageous.
Be nice to yourself.
LOVE

Yeah.

But you see… the man sitting across from me is not the man infront of me. You, my love, are the man who is always before my eyes.

my theatre.. our theatre..

Remember darling.. that movie theater that I took you to? it is different from anything we know or have seen.. it is a constant haunt of mine.. with its old, worn out couches and tiny but very geeky ambiance. We slouched in the couches as the lights turned off and held each other as we sat in the very front row. We laughed until tears streamed down our eyes – at the movie, but also at ourselves.. at our content enjoyment and peacefulness of and with each other.

I used to go alone.. my favorite haunt. Then you came along and we went there every time you visited me.

I went alone a couple of weekends ago. Yet again.. alone. But it was tarnished with your image.. smeared with your presence. I could not enjoy it as the myriad times I have enjoyed it on my own before. You came with me.. you touched it.. you sat on my very same seat.. with me.. and held me.. and laughed with me.. It was ‘my theatre’.. then it became ‘our theatre’…

And you spoilt it for me. It is no longer ‘ours’.. but I cannot go back to making it just my own.

lasso the moon

Yes… he loved telling me that. He loved telling me how he wanted to ‘lasso the moon’ for me.

Does he know that his ‘lasso’ by mistake went round my neck instead?

the cost of being ‘addicted’ to you…

One of his early messages to me right before we became lovers.. when we were just friends and he was flirting with me. This message was the turning point in our relationship. Following it we became lovers… and it was one of his most rational and refreshing assessments of ‘our situation’ – perhaps I should have heeded his advice? He said he was ‘not ready to be in a relationship’.. but that was the turning point right there. I kept telling him he wasn’t.. I kept telling him that he was perhaps ‘on a rebound’ from the infidelity in his last relationship.. I insisted.. and I resisted… and this email to me confirmed my fears.. And yet.. and yet.. it was a turning point in the relationship and we just jumped right into it…  We just jumped right into it…

I hope that when you think to yourself about us, you also consider what is best for you. I hope that you simply edit that portion from the concerns you express to me. You are full of life, full of passion, a person who thrives on giving….and laughing and generally spreading smiles to others…..especially those in need.

You are also ready to find that special someone. Someone who is capable of being there for you too. A guy who will cherish you. Who wants to lasso the moon for you. And, he should be consistently strong, enough to be your safe-harbor…as you goes out to fix the rest of the world. He should not be yet another project that drains your energies….nope, he would recharge your batteries so that you are happy and ready for another day of God’s gifts.

So, the point being, you should look at this ‘objectively’ for you. Because there is an ‘opportunity cost’ to being ‘addicted’ to me. It means you are not with that special someone. Not that you wouldn’t snap him up if he walked by you today, but you might not notice him if you are laughing inside about me sitting on your lap.

Now, what about me? Well as hard as it is to imagine, I’m by nature a happy guy. Always smiling at people, trying to make others happy too. I’m not there yet….nope, not feelin’ it. So, until i get there of my own will, I am not ready to be in a relationship. I will get there. And yes, as i said before, you do give me peace. And i don’t have a lot of that in my world. So, bottom line, I’m very selfish in that i have no opportunity cost, only a wonderful person to warm my heart. Who knows what could become of it? I’m not sure, but it sure feels good to know you care, and to have someone to have coffee with, and come home to at the end of the day.

But it sure doesn’t help the person i care about… to send emails like last night. You could do nothing but worry. Hmmmm….that really isn’t a nice gift to you. Something in me just wanted you to know. Not that you could help, but that I wouldn’t feel alone. That’s all.

You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You’ve been only a source of light. If we detach, I will have very fond memories of the moments we did share. Would i miss you? Sure i would. But not a shattered dreams ‘miss you’.

I will get through my issues. And i own them. They are not yours. Then i will be that happy guy again.

places that remind me of you

I bring no one home. I never do. Never did. But I brought you home.. got you in my bed… you sat on my couches.. you planted the bush in my yard.

I drive my car and find little remains of you.. a note here, a paper there of things we did and places we went. A tiny museum ticket. A brochure of a place we visited. A map of roads we crossed.

The lake behind my house where I pass every day.. I had never walked to it even though I always wanted to.. until you came and we went together. It was cold that day.. but we took pictures.. and your images with the lake and trees behind you fill my memory.

A comment on a house here.. a chuckle at a road sign.. a place you called ‘home’ contentedly.. a baseball team you loved.. a song we shared.. my backyard where you stood out in the cold to smoke.. a tiny cigarette butt stuck in the grass.

I find you in everything I see.. everywhere I look… always.. a part of you is there.

Yesterday at midnight I listened to old messages from you.. ‘baby I am worried about you.. where are you beautiful?’ I kept it yet again for another 100 days – the machine said. And every hundred days I renew the message for another hundred.

Then your message on Valentine’s.. different voice.. an insincere ‘love you hon’ at the end of the message. It was the day we broke up. The day I finally called you on your ‘insincerity’.. it was the day I last heard your voice.

I will let go. I know I will.

Someday.

Somehow.

But for now… please know: this is how much you were loved.

the days i hate you most

yes, there are those days when I simply hate you. I hate how you crawled into my life and stole my heart and then gave your back to me and walked away. I hate the feeling that I have been taken advantage of – of my kindness and passion. I hate the empty promises of consistency – one failed promise after the other. I hate looking at the pixel ring you gave me.. kneeling down and holding my hand and promising stability.

I hate how you destablised my life …

But why can’t I hate you for long? why can’t I let you go in my heart.. indifferent… not hating and not loving you. Why is there failed communication between my mind and my heart?

Why can’t I let go within me?

i look for you in every face

every man I see… I look for you. I shy away from a memory that is not of you – a desire that does not spring from your touch, a love that does not feel like yours.

I search for you in every man I see. Every face. Does he have your eyes? does he have your hair? Does he call me ‘princess’ and ‘beautiful’? does he smile like your smile that lit up my heart with its sunshine? does he have your twitches? your illness? your mind? Does he speak like you? walk like you? move like you? does he pick up on my little quirks and make fun of his own quirks like you?

In every man I see, I search for you.

I thought my yearning for you would die, but it is as strong as that day you broke my heart and left me standing – void of emotion. Numb.

In every man I seek you.

are you lonesome tonight?

are you thinking of me?

i will not surrender

i stare at walls
that do not speak,
at doors
that never open,
at phones
that never ring.
i fend off
feelings of
emptiness…
the void
you left
behind.
i yield
to lonely days
and longer nights.
i resign
to the depth
of solitude
devouring my soul..
my strength
my will to
hang on
to a fragment of memory
to an almost forgotten smile
to a love that never
will be.
i quell
the longing..
missing the divine
beauty
of you…
the richness of my
love
for you.
i yield..
i resign..
but
i will not
surrender
to the altar of
abandonment,
the stranglehold of
despair.
i
will not
surrender.

________
[Image source: Unknown (Portrait of a woman with book and a letter) - Dana Levin - Classical realism Art - Paintings
http://www.artquotes.net/artists/levin/realist-painting-1.htm]